Adulting and Grandma’s Castor Oil
What Do You Do When Your 39 Year Old Daughter calls you and tells you she’s just run away north and then east after breaking up with her husband, she married too soon?
“Dear Daughter, we need to talk about why you’re nuts right now. 30 years ago I had to figure out how to tell you birds and bees, and thinking I should
buy stocks in LADY PRODUCTS;
now I need to tell you you’re going berserk because you’re running out of female hormones.”
Yes you’re nuts but you’re going to be alright in only another 10 or 11 years. Don’t worry! dose yourself with Soymilk and Black Cohosh and you’ll be okay until your first hot flash. “
During this particular” Mental Pause “ Men start running to the nearest tree every 5 minutes, and women keep the air conditioning on in the bedroom when it’s 20 degrees outside.
It doesn’t matter how much goop you put on your face, every second of sunshine you had as a child, becomes beatifically obvious, unless you’re faking it with a camera filter or some Juviderm.
Jokingly telling people that I was going to buy some fade cream and put green dye number 40 , and disappear!
No young lady, it’s okay on this one, you can ignore the NonGMO factors on Soybean- just buy 30 bottles of soy sauce! They have female replacement hormones in them.
Oh, your husband is growing too many grumpy muscles? Pppplllleeeaaassseee feed him the soybeans! Maybe he’ll calm down until your first hot flash.
Women have the proverbial ticking clock and men have lazy swimmers; like sowing grass seeds and the bag is almost empty. The dozen eggs you just bought, and there’s only 2 left in the container. You have to make sure you have those last seeds in really good soil.
No one wants to talk about aging. What a horrible “dirty word”
Men don’t want to say that “P” word at all, or the embarrassing exams that they go through. They don’t include a woman’s renewable exams or the lovely nurse who brought forth his last lazy swimmer.
Now you know why dad is laying there on the couch half dead with Covid and saying “No honey, my mom always gave us castor oil for this “ I’m fine. No, I’m fine, just bursitis in my arm.
They don’t wanna tell you the nearest houseplant in the beautiful clay pot in the corner of the living room was closer than the bathroom last night.
They don’t wanna explain that same “P” word is the reason they bought the bright red convertible or the new Harley that costs more than the house, when they actually need a dentist. Oh, wait, that’s the wrong “end of the “P” word.
They don’t wanna tell you that “P” word is why your man fell asleep during a beautiful romantic interlude. He just needs some of his momma’s castor oil.
No, ladies, the new dipitty do do test they mail you instead of the colonoscopy is not grandma’s castor oil, and no you’re not responsible for the 1-900 calls that new Harley bought. The Harley, and the 900 numbers are that proverbial “P” word and the lazy swimmers that are looking for a family that doesn’t have a male pattern baldness gene in them.
Here’s To Grandma’s Castor Oil! The cure all for everything else except the “P” word.